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All that Glitters ia not Gold, com- 
edy, 2 acts, 2 hrs 6 3 

All Expenses, Ethiopian, 10 min. 2 

Assessor, sketch, 1 5 min .3 2 

Babes in Wood, burle8que,25 min 4 3 

Borrowing Trouble, farce,' 30 min 3 5 

Bad Job, farce, 30 min 3 2 

Bumble's Courtship, sketch, 18 m. 1 1 

Bardell vs. Pickwick, farce, 25 m. 6 2 
Back from Californy, Ethiopian, 

12 min .3 

Caste, comedy, 3 act8,_ 2 hrs. 30 m. 5 3 
Cow that Kicked Chicago, farce, 

20 min 3 2 

Country J ustice, farce, 15 min , . . . 8 

Circumlocution Office, 20 min 6 

Chimney Corner (or Grandfather's 
Mistake), drama, 2 acts, 1 hr. 

30min 5 2 

Danger Signal, drama, 2 acts, 2 hrs 7 4 

Desperate Situation, farce, 25 min 2 3 

DeafinaHorn, Ethiopian, 8 min. 2 

East Lynne, drama, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 8 7 

Family Strike, farce, 20 min 3 3 

Fruits of Wine Cup, Temperance 

• drama, 3 acts, 1 hr 6 4 

Friendly Move, sketch, 20 min ... 5 

Punnygraph, Ethiopian, 12 min,. 6 

Home, comedy, 3 acts, 2 hrs 4 3 

Handy Andy, Ethiopian, 12 min.. 2 

Haunted House, Ethiopian, 8 min. 5 

Homoeopathy, farce-, 30 min 5 3 

Hans Von Smash, farce, 30 min.. 4 3 

Hard Cider, Temperance, 15 min. 4 2 

Initiating a Granger, farce, 25 m. 8 

In the Dark, farce, 25 min, ..4 2 

In the Wrong House, farce, 30 m. 4 2 

Irish Linen Peddler, farce, 40 min 3 3 

Is the Editor In, farce, 20 min 4 2 

I'll Stay Awhile, farce, 20 min .... 4 

Ici.on Parle Francais, farce, 40 m. 4 3 

VmnotMesilf atAll, farce, 25 m, 3 2 

John Smith, farce, 30 min .... 5 3« 

Joke on Squinim, Ethiop. 25 min. 4 2 

Jumbo Jum, farce, 50 min . 4 3 

Kansas Immigrants, farce, 30 m.. 5 1 
Kiss in the Dark, farce, 30 min. , . 2/3 
Louva the Pauper, drama, 5 acts, 

4 1 hr. 45 min 9 4 

Larkins' Love Letters, farce, 50 m. 3 2 
Lady of Lyons, drama, 5 acts, 2 

hrs. 30min 8 4 

Limerick Boy, farce, 30 min 5 2 

Lost in London, drama, 3 acts, 1 

hr.45 min ., 6 3 

London Assurance, comedy, 5 acts, 

2hr8.30min 9 3 

Lucy's Old Man, sketch, 15 min.. 2 3 
Michael Erie, drama, 2 acts, 1 hr. 

30min.'. 8 3 

Mike Donovan's Courtship, com- 

'^ edietta, 2 acts, 15 min ,. 1 3 

Movement Cure, farce, 15 min 5 

Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 min. 2 

MischievousNigger, farce, 20 min. 4 2 

My Wife's Relations, comedy, 1 hr 4 6 

My Jeremiah, farce, 20 min 3 2 

. My Turn Next, farce, 50 min .4 3 

My Neighbor's Wife, farce, 45 m. 3 3 



Not Such a Fool as he Looks, com- 
edy, 3 acts, 2 hrs ... ; 5 3 

No Cure No Pay, Ethiopian, 10m. 3 1 
Only Daughter, drama, 3 acts, 1 

hr.l5min 5 S 

Our Country, drama, 3 acts, 1 hr..lO 8 
Odds with the Enemy, drama, 5 

acts, 2 hrs 7 4 

On the Brink, Temperance drama, 

2 acts, 2 hrs 13 3 

Othello and Desdemona, Ethio- 
pian, 12 min. 2 

Pet of Parsons' Ranch, frontier 

drama, 5 acts. 2hrs.... ..... .. 9 3 

Pets of Society, farce, 30 min 7 

Pull Back, farce, 20 min 6 

Pocahontas, music'l b'rlesque, 1 h.lO % 

Parlor Entertainment, 25 min... 2 5 

Played and Lost, sketch, 15 min, . 3 S 

Persecuted Dutchman, 35 min,... 6 3 

Qiiiet Family, farce, 45 min, . . . , . 4 4 

Quar'some Serv'nts, Ethiop 8 min 3 

Regular Fix, farce, 50 min , . 6 4 

Rough Diamond, farce, 40 min. .,48 
Solon Shingle, comedy, 2 acts, 1 

hr. 30 min 7 S 

Soldier of Fortune, comedy, 5 

'^ acts, 2 hrs. 20 min 8 3 

Seth Greenback, drama, 4 acts, 1 

hr. 15 min 7 3 

School Ma'am(The), drama, 4 acts, 

1 hr. 45 mm 6 5 

Stage Struck Darkey, 10 min, ... 2 I 
Stocks Up, Stocks Down, Ethio- 
pian, 8 min 2 

Sports on a Lark, Ethiopian, 8 m. 3 

Sham Doctor, Ethiopia,n, 15 min. 4 3 
Slasher and Crasher, farce, 1 hr. 

15 min 5 9 

Squeers' School, sketch, 18 min.. 4 3 
Sparkling Cup, Temperance 

drama, 5 acts, 2 hrs IS 4 

Too Much of a Good Thing, farce, 

50 min 3 6 

Two Gents in Fix, farce, 20 min 2 

Two Puddifoots, farce, 40 min... 3 3 

Two Pompeys, Ethiopian, 8 min. 4 

Tricks, Ethiopian farce, 15 min,. 5 3 
Ticket of Leave Man, drama, 4 

acts, 2 hrs, 45 min.... 8 3 

Turn Him Out, farce, 50 min 3 3 

Toodles, drama, 2 acts, 1 hr. 15 m. 6 2 
Ten Nights in a Bar Room, Tem- 
perance drania, 5 acts, 2 hrs . , 11 6 
Two Ghosts in White, sketch, 25 m 8 
Under the Laurels, drama, 5 acts, 

1 hr.45 min 5 4 

Unhappy Pair, Ethiopian, 10 min. 8 

Uncle Jeff, Ethiopian farce, 25 m. 5 2 
Wanted a Correspondent, farce, 2 

acts, 1 hr 4 4 

Wide Enough for Two, farce 50m. 5 2 

Which will ne Marry, farce, 30 m. 2 8 
Won at Last, comedy, 3 acts, 1 hr. 

45 min 7 3 

Women of Lowenhurg, Historical 

Sketch, 5 scenes, 50 min 10 10 

Yankee Detective, drama, 3 acts, 

2hrs 8 3 



r.S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 



ON GUARD 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



COL. C. F. TOWNSEND, 



Attthor of ^' A Wonderful Letter,'' etc. 



TOGETHER WITH A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES, SYNOPSIS OF THE 

PIECE, CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES AND EXITS, RELATIVE 

POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND 

THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, 




CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



Copyright, 1889, by T. S. Denison. 



ON GU75RO. ^ 

— -YSU-^^ 



Teddy McFinnigan. 
Col. Pepperell. 
Tom Manly. 



CHARACTERS. "T7i 

Cholly Casher. ^ 

Lucy. 
Molly. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

H. means right of the stage ; C, center; 7?. C, right center; Z.. left. 
R. D., right door; L. D., left door, etc., i E., first entrance ; U. E., upper 
entrance, etc.; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage; i G., first groove, 
etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



SCENERY. 

Scene. — A nicely furnished room. 



PROPERTIES. 

Newspaper; walking stick; battered hat for Casher; parasol for LuCY. 



COSTUMES. 



McFinnigan. — Rather eccentric, though modern. (Speaks with de- 
cided brogue.) 

Pepperell. — Old man; quick and testy, old-fashioned suit. 

Manly. — Dark cutaway suit; hat; gloves, 

Casher. — An "imitation English;" (affected, drawling, hesitates when 
speaking;) very " loud " costume; change for last entrance. 

Lucy. — Rich house dress; hat. parasol, and light wrap for last entrance. 

Molly. — Neat house dress. 



SYNOPSIS. 



Col. Pepperell, a fiery old fellow, wants his daughter Lucy to marry 
Mr. Casher, a rich young " exquisite." Lucy is in love with Tom Mainly 
who has more brains than money. The Colonel advertises for a servant, 
and Manly sends his friend Teddy, a bright young Irishman, to apply for 
the situation. lie is engaged, and at once falls in love with Molly. 
Teddy helps Tom and Lucy, wins Molly himself, pacifies the Colonel, 
and all ends happily. Unlike most farces, this contains good parts for all, 
and is full of wit, humor, and amusing situations. 



Tifne of performance, twenty-five minutes. 



Note. — Though this play is furnished with full directions for the stage 
it may be played in any ordinary room. 



ON OUKRD. 



SCENE. — A nicely furnished room in 4i/i Grooves; Doors C.,'J?. i E., 
R.U.E , and L. I E; Table L. Discover Pepperell seated at table ^ L., 
reading paper; Lucy sealed R. 

Pep. Don't talk to me about advertising. It's all bosh Printers' 
ink is good for nothing except to circulate Ires. Vou might as well look for 
oranges in Greenland or icebergs in Florida as for any benefit from news- 
paper advertising. 

Lucy. Why, papa, what is the matter? 

Pep. Matter enough. Last night I placed an advertisement in this 
confounded paper for a servant, and not a man has appeared. Here it is. 
{Reads.) "Wanted, a man servant; must not drink, smoke, chew, swear, 
gamble, lie, cheat, steal, nor have any bad habits; must be steady, indus- 
trious and reliable — understand horses, gardening,'' et cetera and so forth. 
There. 

Lucy. You want such a man ? 

Pep. Of course. 

Lucy, Well, you wont get him. 

Pep. Why not, Miss Impudence ? 

Lucy. Because he does'nt exist. Ha, ha, ha ! And if he did, every 
woman on earth would want to marry him ! 

Pep. Silence, you young baggage! {Lucy laughs.) Don't you laugh 
at me, Miss! Marry— marry! That's all you girls think about, Know 
that; hey? 

Lucy. (Demurely.) Yes, papa. 

Pep. Then if you're so anxious to marry, there's young Casher — a 
nice young man. 

Lucy. Charlie Casher! Why, he's no man! 

Pep. The deuce he isn't! 

Lucy. Don't swear, papa. 

Pep. Young Casher has no brains, of course, but he has plenty of 
money— and what more do you want? 

Lucy. What more? Everythiug. I want a husband who will think 
more of me than of his neckties; with a bold heart and a strong arm; who 
can hug me — o — oh! without fear of soiling his collars and cuffs. Now, 
Tom Manly — 

Pep. Hey! 

Lucy. {Confused.) Oh — er — I mean — 

Pep. You mean that he can hug you, o — oh! without fear of soiling 
his collars and cuffs — that's what you mean! 

Lucy. I never said that. 

3 



4 ON GUARD. 

Pep. Yes you did! And if I catch that young beggar hanging about 
here, I'll — thunder of Mars! I'll soil the backyard of his trousers! Now, 
you mind! {Exit R. i E.) 

Lucy. {Shaking her head.) Yes, and he will soil the front yard of 
your nose, too, Mr. Papa ! So, there ! 

Enter Molly, C D. 

, Molly. Miss Lucy— 
' Lzuy. Eh, Molly? 

Molly. 'Sh — Miss Lucy — he's down there. 
Lucy. Who ? 

Molly. {Archly.) Ah — you know. 

L^itcy. Tom? {Molly nods.) Oh! {Clapping hands.) Goody, goody! 
Show him up. {Exit Molly, C. D.) It's Tom ! I wonder how I look! 
{Business arranging hair and dress ) I guess I am presentable. 

Enter Tom C D. 

Lucy. Tom ! 

Tom. {Embracing her.) Where's the dragon ! 

Lucy. Hush ! Oh, Tom — 

Tom. What is it ? 

Ltuy. Papa wants to hire another servant — a great horrid man. 

Tom. What for ! 

Lucy. To keep you out of the house. 

Tom. I know the very man ! 

Lucy. To keep you out ? 

Tom. To let me in. 

Lucy. Who is he? 

Tom. Teddy McFinnigan; he's Irish — 

Lucy. No matter. 

Tom. Good. I'll post Ted, and send him here at once. 

Lucy. Hurry, before some one gets ahead of him. 

Tom. It will take a smart man to get ahead of Teddy. But I'll have 
him here in a jiffy. yExit C. D) 

Lucy. {At C. D.) Dear Tom, he will break his neck if he isn't 
careful. 

Casher. {Outside.) Oh, murdah ! 

Lticy. Hello ! Tom has stepped on somebody. 

Enter Casher, C D., dress somewhat disarranged. 

Cash. Oh, deah, Miss Peppahell, I'm cwushed ! That gwate, big, 
wough bvvute wan all ovah me. He smashed me hat, don't cher know, and 
stepped wight on me head. 

Lucy. No doubt he thought it was a pillow. 

Cash. Pawhaps he did- but it isn't. And it was weally quite wude, 
don't cher know. It actually gives me bwains a shock. 

Lucy. Your brains ? 

Cash. Ya— as. And I don't like to have fellahs disturb me bwains. 
/ nevah do. 

Ltuy. Good reason. 



ON (lUAPD. q 

Cash Ya— as; clevah idea, don't cher know. Bah Jove, Miss Lucy, 
you look chawming. 

Lucy. Thank you. 

Cash. Ya-^as; and /looked chawming, too, when I came here. 

Lucy. You think so ? 

Cash. I ncvah think; it's too much labah. Me valet thinks foh me — 
and he said I looked chawming. And of cawse he ought to know, don't 
cher know 

Lucy. No doubt. {Aside, -vearily.) Oh, dear ! 

Cash. Ya — as; and now I look quite howid, don't I ? 

Lucy. Oh, dreadful. 

Cash. And me nahves aw quite unstwung; so, if you'll excuse me, 
Miss Lucy — 

Lucv. With pleasure. 

Cash. Ya — as; then I'll dwive wight home and have me valet lix me 
up. Besides, it's time to get into me two o clock suit any \*'ay. This is mc 
one o'clock suit. 

Lucy. Then you haven't a moment to lose. 

Cash. I hate to dwive meself away fwom youah chawming society, 
Miss Lucy, but business befoah pleashaw, don't cher know. Ta ta Miss 
Lucy. {Exit CD.) 

Lucy. Blessed relief ! Marry that thing ? I would sooner wed a 
Hottentot ! 

Enio Molly C. D. 

Molly. Av ye plaze. Miss, there's a mon as wants to see the Colonel. 

Lucy. Who is he? 

Molly. Faith, I dunno. He kissed me three times when I opened the 
dure, an' sez he: "You're the charminest leddy I iver saw, an' I've come 
agin a job." 

Lucy. {Aside.) It must be Tom's man. 

Molly. Shall I bring him here, Miss? 

Lucy. Yes, and I will call papa. {Exit R. i E.) 

Molly. {At C. D.) Walk this way, av ye plaze. sor. 

Enter Teddy C. D. 

Ted. Walk, is it? Shure, the only walk I could take is a run, when a 
nate little body loike yersilf invites me. 

Molly. {L.) Go 'long wid yer blarney! 

Ted. Oh, blister me tongue, but it's true. {Kisses her.) Ah, darlin'. 
yer lips are swater than the finest ould Irish whiskey, an' yer eyes are loike 
twin dewdrops — so they are, 

Molly. An' what are ye doin' here? 

Ted, I've come till a job from ould Pepperbox. 

Molly. Och, be careful now; he's very fiery. 

Ted. Sort av cayenne pepper is he? Ah, hal I'm on me guard, an' 
I'll be jist as swate as this. {Kisses her.) 

Enter Pepperell, R. \ E. 

Pep. {Seeing them.) . Hello there ! 

Ted. {Looking in Af oily s eye.) Thare — it's out now. 



6 ON GUARD. 

Pep. What are you doing — hey ? 

Ted. Gittin' a rock out av the leddy's eye. 

Pep. Um ! What's your name ? 

Ted. Teddy McFinnigan, sor. what's yours? 

. Pep. None of your business. 

Ted, {Aside to A^oUy.) Shall I slug him ? 
Molly. 'Sh ! Kape quiet. 

Pep. Well, sir ? 

Ted. Quite well, thank ye, how's all your folks? 

Pep. You're a fool ! 

Ted. I know I am, sor. 

Pep. Do you want work ? 

Ted. Yis sor. 

Pep. Then don't you be impudent: 

Ted. Yis sor — no sor; an' don't you ayther. 

Pep. What ! 

Ted. Yis sor. 

Pep. Do you drink ? 

Ted. Thank ye — I'll take some o' the same. 

Pep. Same ? Same what ? - 

Ted. Same as yersilf, shure. 

Pep. Idiot ! 1 did not ask you to drink; I asked if you do drink ! 

Ted. Do I ? {Molly shakes her head.) Oh no — no sor — niver a taste. 

Pep. Do you smoke ? 

Ted. Shmoke is it? {Molly pokes him) Niver at all sor; ah no, sor. 

Pep. Nor lie, nor gamble, nor make love to the girls ? 

Ted. Oh, n — o, sor; niver a wani:e. 

Pep. Are you a light sleeper ? 

Ted. About a hundred an' fifty pounds, sor. {Aside.) An' more 

whin I'm full. 

Pep. I mean, do you awaken easily? 

Ted. Yis sor; jist kick on the dure. . 

Pep, Do you snore ? 

Ted. {Shortly.) No, I don't. 

Pep. How do you know ? 

Ted. How do 1 know ? Faith, I've laid awake all night to find out. 

Pep. H'm; well, I will give you a trial. Your duties will be very 
light. 

Ted. Yis sor. 

Pep. All you will have to do is to take care of the lawn and conserva- 
tory, look after the stables, make the fires, run the furnace, feed the dogs, 
do errands, clean the walks, work in the garden, and saw wood. 

Ted. Is that all ? 

Pep. Yes, except to keep young Manly out of the house. 

Ted. Ah, ha; I'll chuck him out o' the windy. {Aside.) The divil 
I will ! 

Pep. Very well. You can begin work at once. {Exit R. U. E. 

Ted. The bloodthirsty ould haythen ! 
Molly. Niver mind him at all. Nobody does. 

Ted. Is thare onything in the house fit to ate ?» 



ON GUARD. 7 

Molly. Yis indade, I know where to find the jimmy-john ! 
Ted. It's a jewel ye are, Molly. Shure ye know that whiskey is mate 
an' drink both. ^Exeunt L. \ E. 

Enter Pcppert'll and Lucy R. U. E. 

Pep. (C) Not another word now. I say no ! 

Lucy. {L. C.) 1 say yes ! 

Pep. And I swear no ! 

Lncy. And I — 

Pep. Don't you swear; don't you dare ! I wont have young M-anly 
lally-gagging around here. Understand? I have forbidden him the house; 
I have hired a man to keep him out; and that settles it. If you are so 
anxious to marry, take young Casher— he will jump at the chance. 

Lzicy. I am not a chance, if you please ! {Goes P. 

Pep. H'm. 

Lucy. I think you are horrid to call me names. 

Pep. Now you are losing your temper, my dear. 

Lucy. No, I'm not. 

Pep. Yes, you are. 

Lucy. {Stamping.) No, I'm not I 

Pep. It's a pity you wouldn't. Why can't you be good natured — as I 
am? {.Goes P. Luey crosses L.) Hey? I never get mad! Confound it! But 
you! you snort and prance around like a -crazy female elephant! B-r-r-r! 
{Aside.) Lord deliver me from a spunky woman. {Exit /\. i Zt. 

Lucy. Ha, ha, ha' poor papa! Oh, no; Ae never loses his temper. 
Oh, dear no! oh my! {Laiighing.) And yet, {gravely) it is just too pro- 
voking. Tom wants me and I want Tom; and I am going to have him, 
too, in spite of all the fathers in creation! So there now! 

Enter Teddy L. i E. 

Ted. Av coorse ye shall, ye swate little rosebud' I beg yer pardon, 
Miss, fer bein' so fray, but whin I see such a lovely angel as yersilf in 
throuble, me heart runs away wid me tongue. 

Lucy. You are Tom's friend? 

Ted. Indade I om, through thick an' thin. Miss. Shure I'd face the 
divil himsilf for Tom. An' as fer yersilf, Miss Lucy, wan look av yer 
lovely eyes, or wan smile from yer beautiful lips, an' I'll face a whole rigimint 
of divils. 

Lucy. There is no one but papa — ■ 

Ted. The Ould By himsilf— 

L^ucy. And Mr. Casher. 

'Ped. Casher? Faith, I'll give Casher a smasher in the shmeller— 
bedad! 

Lucy. Oh don't hurt him— much. He is very frail. 

Ted. Ah, ha — thin I wont hit him quite so hard. 

Enter Tom C. D. 

Tom. Oh, Lucy! 
Lucy. What is it, Tom? 
Tom. Your old brute of a father — 



8 ON GUARD. 

Ted. That's roight; give it to him! 

Lucy. Hush! You sha'n't talk that way. 

Tom. He has decided that you shall marry Casher. or else he will 
pack you off to a convent. 

Lucy. Oh, Tom! ( Weeping.) 

Ted. Oh, Tom ! — I mane, oh, the divil ! 

Lucy. What shall we do ? 

Ted. I know. {Spits on his hands.) I'll go right out, an' I'll hunt up 
Casher {dances about), 3iX\ I'll give him a smasher that'll lave him in the 
doctor's hands for a month ah, ha ! 

Tom. Hold on, Ted, that wont do. 

7>c/. Thin I'll till ye what; ye take Miss Lucy out an' git married to 
her as hard as iver ye know how. Lave Casher to Molly an' me. We'll 
make things plisant for him. 

Tom. What do you say, Lucy ? 

Lticy. Why — why, Tom — I haven't any wedding dress. 

Ted. Oh, ye don't want any ! I — 'I mane — {Scratches head.) I mane 
ye'll look lovely widout — {Aside.) Oh, Lord ! 

Tom. Teddy, you stay here on guard. Come, Lucy. 

Lucy. I am almost frightened. 

Ted. Ah, now, Miss, it's aisy enough. 

Lucy. What will people say ? 

Tom. The people be — 

Ted. Thim's my sintimints sor. 

Toi7i. Come. {Exit Tom. and Lucy, C. D. 

Ted. I wonder why — I wonder why women always make such a fuss 
about gittin' married ? Shure, it's what they all want. Av coorse, an ould 
maid will say as how she hates the min, but it's sorry the chance I take wid 
wan o' thim at all ! 

Molly. {Outside.) Are ye thare, Tiddy ? 

Ted. That lam. darlin'. Come in. 

Enter Molly L I E. 



Ted. 


I'm on guard. 


Molly. 


Guardin' what ? 


Ted. 


I dunno. 


Molly. 


Whare's Miss Lucy ? 


Ted. 


She's evaporated. 


Molly. 


Eh? . 



Ted. Jumped the broom handle. 

Molly. What d'ye mane? 

Ted. She's bein' married. 

Molly. Oh-h! Tiddy! 

Ted. Would ye moind doin' the same now, Molly? 

Molly. That depinds. 

Ted. On what, Molly ? 

Molly. On who axed me. 

Ted. S'posin' he looked loike me ? 

Molly. {Bashfully.) Oh, Tiddy ! 

Ted. {Sa?ne business ) Oh, Molly ! 



ON GUARD. g 

Molly. Ye don't mane it. 

Ted. Don't I though ! Ah, mavourneen, I've loved ye for the past 
two hundred years, so I have. 

Molly. Take care now, Teddy. 

Ted. Well, anyhow, I love ye, Molly P.awn. Shure, whin I saw the 
lovelight shining in yer eyes, backed up wid truth, honesty, fun, an' jist the 
laste little bit av diviltry acusha, me heart jumped roight out iv me body an' 
landed plump in yer own pretty hands. Will ye kape it darlin' or — 

Molly. I niver loike to give onythin' back excipt — 
. Ted. Excipt? 

Molly. This. {Kissing him) 

Ted. Hooray ! Give us anither wan. 

Molly. No, I wont. Somebody'll be comin'. 

Ted. That remoinds me. Whin young Casher comes in, you pretend 
to make love to him. Thin, jist at the roight time I'll appear, an' oh, wont 
we have a picnic ! 

xVIolly. Ye won't hurt the poor chap, now Tiddy ? 

Ted. Well, no — I won't hurt him {aside) very much. 

Casher. {Outside.) Ya — as; you needn't twouble. 

Ted. Thare he comes now — mind yer eye. {Exit L. i E. 

Enter Casher, C. D. 

Cash. Aw — me pwetty maid — wha' is youah mistwiss ? 

Molly. Miss Lucy, she's gone out, sor. 

Cash. The — aw, deuce she has ! Weally ? 

Molly. Yis, sor; an' I don't wonder at your surprise. I can't see how 
she cud go whin an illegant, fascinatin' gintlemon loike yersilf was comin' to 
see her. {Aside.) That nearly choked me 

Cash. Yas — as. {Aside.) She's dayvilish pwetty. 

Molly. {Very gushing.) But some girls niver know what it is to love 
as — as I do. 

Cash. Ya — as. {Aside.) Poah thing I She's stwuck on me shape, 
don't cher know. 

Molly. {Gushing.) Ah. 

Cash. { Veiy spoony,) Ah. 

Molly. Ye wouldn't use yer manly beauty, an' yer brilliant conversa- 
tile powers to break a poor girl's heart, now wud ye! 

Cash. Aw — nevah, nevah. 

Molly. Thin why don't ye say somethin' ? 

Cash. Ya — as; you aw vewy pwetty. 

Molly. I knew that a;lriddy. 

Cash. Ya — as; and I love you to — aw — distwaction, but don't tell 
Lucy. She — aw - might think, don't cher know — aw that a waw Iwish 
girl— 

Molly. Raw Irish! An' how wud ye have me — cooked ? 

Cash. Eh? {She backs him across stage, shaking Jist.) 

Molly. Mebby ye'd loike me biled ! They say that Irish sthew is 
mighty gude ating. 

Cash. Av/— weally — don't cher know — 

Molly. An' ye think ye'd be abusin' a poor definseless girl. 



lO ON GUARD. 

Enter Teddy L. \ E. 

Ted. Why, Molly darlin,' what throubles ye? 

Molly. {Goes R. crying.) He insoolted me, so he did ! 

Ted. Insoolted ye ? 

Molly. {Crying.) Yis he did; the haythen ! 

Cash. Aw — say— you mustn't call me names, don't cher know. 

Ted. Insoolted ye ? {Throws off coat.) Come on ye wobble kneed 
hyena ! Ye spavined gyasticus ! Ye-ye {dances about), animated mummy ! 
Come at me ! 

Cash. {Frightened.) Keep away, you — you fellah ! 

Ted. Oh, wont I ! {Shakes him.) 

Cash. Murdah 1 Murdah ! Police ! 

Molly. Don't shake his hid off. 

Ted. Thare's nothin' in it. {Shakes him.) 

Cash. Murdah ! Help ! 

Enter Pepperell, C. D. 

Pep. {R.) Here, you ! Let him alone ! 

Ted. {C.) All roight, sor. {Releases him. Casher goes L.). 

Pep. What does this mean, hey ? 

Cash. I've been set on by a highwayman — 

Ted. {Threatening.) Yer a — 

Pep. Silence, sir ! 

Ted. Yis, sor. 

Cash. And he mussed up me foah o'clock suit, and me valet is gone 
fdh an houah, and good gwacious, oh deah ! Who'll dwess me in me five 
o'clock clothes? 

Molly. Sind fer yer nurse, ye babby ! 

Pep. Shut up, everybody '. 

Ted. Yis, sor. 

Pep What caused this infernal row, hey ? 

Ted. He was insooltin' this leddy. ^ 

Pep. What ! In my house? 

Molly. {L. C.) Shure, he was sorl 

Pep. Put him out 

Ted. Yis, sor. Come along, ye what-is-it ! 

Cash. Colonel Pepperell, will you — 

Ted. Dry up now- ye conundrum ! {Runs Casher out C D ; noise 
of falling down stairs.) Thare I Git inter yer foive o'clock suit; faith 
ye'U nade it. 

Pep. Where is my daughter ? 

Ted. {Aside.) Now I'll catch it. 

Pep. Did you hear me ? 

Ted. Yis, sor. Well, sor, she is —ye know she is — 

Pep. Of course I know .she is — but where is she ? 

Ted. Oh no — oh, no sor; she isn't there. 

Pep. Fool ! 

Ted. Yis sor. 

Pep. Idiot ! 



ON GUARD II 

Ted. Yis sor; but I wouldn't be callin' mesilf names. 

Pep. Oh-h ! You rascal, I'll — I'll — . {Shakes fist and dances arcmna.) 

Ted. Are ye betther now ? 
_ Pep. {To Molly.) Do you know anything about this ? 
Molly. About what? 
Pep. About my daughter. 

Molly. Indade I do. Miss Lucy isn't Miss Lucy, 
Pep. The deuce you say ! 

Ted. No, sor. Miss Lucy is — 

Enter Lucy and Tom, C. D. 

Lucy. (C.) Mrs. Thomas Manly, please, papa. 

Pep. B-b-but, blood and blazes ! It don't please papa. 

Ted. Oh, papa ! 

Tow. You cannot help yourself. 

Pep. I'll throw you out. 

Tom. No you wont, " 

Pep. Put him out, Teddy. 

Ted. No — I — wont. 

Pep. Are you in the plot — you snake in the grass ? 

Ted. Yis I am — ould shnake in yer boots. {Both take stage excitedly.) 

Lucy. Be good, papa; forgive us. 

Pep. Well — you arch conspirator, I suppose I must. T^ut I wont 
forgive this Irishman. 

Ted. Who cares onyhow, ould Peppermint ? {To audience.) Will ye 
forgive me ' Ah, ha — I knew ye would. Thin I'm all roight, for I have 
the fwatest — {embraces Peppcrell ) divil take ve ' As I was sayin' I have 
the swatest {embraces Lucy.) 

Tot?!. Here ! That's my property I 

Ted. Beg your pardon. ( Takes Molly s hand.) I have jist the swatest 
girl in the counthry, which I am proud to say I won while servin' — 

Molly. "On Gyard !" 

CURTAIN. 



NOTHING BETTER 



iiian the 

SCRAP BOOK RECITA. 

TION SERIES. 



Now Ready, No. 1. 
Price, postpaid, Paper, 25 cents. 

"The selections are choice in quality and in large variety.'*— = 
iJnter-Ocean, Chicago. 

" It excels anything we have seen for the purpose." — Eclectic 
Teacher. 

" The latest and best things from our popular writers appear 
here." — Normal Teacher. 



CONTENTS OF NO. 1 



Keep the Mill A-going. 

Faces in the Fire. 

In School Days. 

The Two Roads. 

Extreme Unction. 

Baron Grimalkin's Death. 

Words and Their Uses. 

Fritz's Troubles. 

Two Christmas Eves. 

An Interview Between the School 

Directors and the Janitor. 
To the Memory of the late Brigham 

Young. 
How Liab and I Parted. 
Old Grimes' Hen. 
The Average Modern Traveler. 
At My Mother's Grave. 
The Newsboy's Debt. 
Mrs. Potts' Dissipated Husband. 
I See the Point. . 
The Professor in Shafts. 
Mr. Sprechelheimer's Mistake. 
God's Time. 
The Little Folks. 
The Old Schoolmaster. 
The Revolutionary Rising. 
Pat's Letter. 
How to Go to Sleep. 
Nothing. 

De Pen and De Swoard. 
A. Greyport Legend— 1797. 
The Life-Boat is a gallant Bark. 
Birthday Gifts. 
The Superfluous Man. 
Sockery Setting a Hen. 



The Water that Has Passed. 

Medley— Mary's Little Lamb. 

The Launch of the Ship, 

Aunt Kindly, 

Evening at the Farm. 

Battle of Beal An' Duine. 

Passing Away. 

Mark Twain and the Interviewee, 

Daybreak. 

True Life. . 

Modern Loyalty. 

Unfinished Still. 

Allow for the Crawl. 

The Silent Tower of Bottreaux. 

Gentility. 

The Drunkard. 

The Poetical Patch Quilt. 

What is Life? 

Art Thou Living Yet? 

New Year's Chime. 

Song of the Chimney. 

A Domestic Tempest. 

Common Sense. 

How Mr. Coffin Spelled it. 

The Old Man in the Palace Car. 

Ego and Echo. 

A Night Picture. 

A Penitent. 

Rum's Ruin. 

The Babies. 

What Is It to Me? 

Our First Commander. 

Horseradish. 

The Doom of Claudius and Cynthia- 



For sale by all booksellers, or sent postpaid on receipt of price. 



THE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA. 

Price, /f cts. each, post-paid. 

These plays are all short, and very funny. Nothing poor in the list. They 
tesve admirably to g-ive variety to a programme. The female characters may be 
assumed by males in most cases. Where something- thoroughly comical, but 
unabjectionable is wanted, they are just the thing. 

STAGE STRUCK DARKT. 

A very- funny " take-off" on tragedy; 2 male, i female. Time 10 minutes. 
STOCKS UJP— STOCKS I>OWN. 

i males; a played-out author and his sympathizing friend; very funny and full 
of " business " and practical jokes. Time lo'minutes. 

DEAF— IN A UORN. 

2 males; negro musician and a deaf pupil. A very interesting question sudden- 
ly enables the latter to hear. Full of first-class " business," Time S minutes. 

HANDT ANI>T, 

a males; master and servant. The old man is petulant and L ^ servant makes 
all sorts of ludicrous mistakes and misunderstands every order. Very lively in 
ae^oa. Time 10 minutes. 

THE MISCMIETOUS NIGGER. 

A farce; 4 males, 2 females. Characters: The mischievous nigger, old man, 
J^rench barber, Irishman, widow, nurse. Time 20 minutes, 

THE SHAM DOCTOR. 

A negro farce; 4 males, 2 females. This is a tip-top farce. The "sham doctor" 
can not fail to bring down the house. Time 15 minutes. 

NO CURE, NO PAT. 

3 males, i female. Doctor Ipecac has a theory that excessive terror will cure 
people who are deaf and dumb. His daughter's lover is mistaken for the patient 
to the terror of all. Only one darky. A capital little piece for schools or parlor. 
Time 10 minutes. 

TRICKS. 

5 males, 2 females. (Only two darkys, i male, i female.) A designing old 
•tep-father wishes to marry his step-daughter for her money. She and her lover 
plan an elopement. The old man discovers it and has an ingenious counter-plot — 
which fails completely, to his discomfiture. Time 10 minutes. Suited to parlor 
performance. 

HAUNTED HOUSE, 

2 males. A white-washer encounters " spirits " in a house he has agreed to 
white-wash. Plenty of business. Time 8 minutes. 

THE TWO POMPEYS, 

4 males. A challenge to a duel is worked up in a very lunny way. Time 
8 minutes. 

A» UNHAPPY PAIR. 

3 males, and males for a band. Two hungry niggers strike the musician? 
for a square meal. Good for school or parlor, aod very funny. Time 10 minutes. 



Any Play on this List 15 Cts. Postpaid. 



Plays by T. S. DENISON. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drawia in five acts; 7 male and 4 fe- 
male characters. Time, 2 hours. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 fe- 
male. Time, i hour 15 m.. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 

A ludicrous farce ; S male. Time, 25 m. 

TWO GHOStS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce based on boarding-- 
school life ; 7 female characters. Tmie, 
25 m. 

THE ASSESSOR, 
A humorous sketch; 3 male and 2 fe- 
male. Time, 15 m, 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 
A ludicrous farce; 3 male and 5 fe- 
male. Time, 30 m. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 
A ver^' amusing- country law suit; S 
male characters. (May admit 14.) Time, 
15 m. 

THE PULL-BACK. 
A laughable farce; 6 female. Time, 
20 min. 

HANS VON SMASH. 
A roaring farce in a prologue and one 
act; 4 male and 3 female. Time, 30 m. 

OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama in three parts. Re- 
quires 9 male, 3 female, (Admits 9 male 
lif female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, 
about I hour. 

THE SCHOOL MA'AM, 

A briliant comedy in four acts; 6 male, 
5 female. Time, i hour 45 luin. 

THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce ; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 
45 m- 

THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS; Or. the 
Great Exodus. 

A roaring- farce; 5 male, i female. 
Time, 30 m. 

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING. 

A splendid farce; 3 male, 6 female. 
Time, 45 m. 

IS THE EDITOR IN? 

A farce ; 4 male and 2 female. 

AN ONLY DAUGHTER. 

A drama in three acts ; 5 male and 2 
female. Time, i hour 15 m. 

PETS OF SOCIETY. 

A farce in high life; 7 females. Time, 
30 m. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

■■ 

017 401 519 3 



h»nx» ^lucn. 

A very amusing temperance sketch ; 4 

male, 2 female. Time, 20 m. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts ; 9 male and 4 fe- 
male characters. Time, i hour 45 m. 

UNDER THE LAURELS. 

A drama in five acts; a stirring play, 
fully equal to Louva the Pauper. Five 
male, 4 ferrale. Time, i hour 45 m. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 
male and 4 female. 



Plays by H. Ellio tt McBride. 

ON THE BRINK. 

A temperance drama in two acts; 12 
male, 3 female. Time, i hour 45 m. 

A BAD JOB. 

A farce; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 30 m. 

PLAYED AND LOST. 

A sketch; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 

20 m. 

MY JEREMIAH. 

A farce ; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m- 

LUCY'S OLD MAN. 

A sketch; 2 male, 3 female. Time, 20 
m. 
THE COV^ THAT KICKED CHICAGO. 

A farce ; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m. 

ILL STAY AWHILE. 

A farce; 4 male. Time, 25 m. 



THE FRIDAY AFTERNOON DIALOGUES, 

Short and lively. For boys and girls, 
—Price 25 cts. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SPEAKER' 

A choice collection. Three parts: for 
little folks, for older boys and girls, short 
pithy dialogues. — Price 25 cts. 

SCRAP BOOK READINGS. 

Latest and best pieces. — Price per No. 
(paper cover) 25 cts, 

WORK AND PLAY. 

BY MARY J. jACqUES. 

A gem for the little folks. This is a 
book of both instruction and amusement. 
Part I consists of a large v.riety of very 
easy progressive exercises in letters, 
numbers, objects, geography, language, 
animated nature, motion, songs, etc. 
Part IT consists of dialoeues, charades, 
pantomimes, etc. all original.— Price, 
in Manilla boards, post paid, 50 cts. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, CHICAGO. 



